Brennan (fiddlersgreen) wrote in potatoemashers,
Brennan
fiddlersgreen
potatoemashers

Celebrity Jeopardy 2

And here's the second (and so far, final) episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. This one's not so PI focused. I wrote this one about three or four months ago, I think.


NOT-PI Celebrity Jeopardy

An Elitist Beard Production

Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we move on with tonight's
show, I would like to apologize to our studio audience for what happened during
the break, and would like to assure you that all of our contestants' weapons
have been confiscated. Again. And we're pretty sure we got them all this time.
I'm looking at you, Mr. Windfire.

Baiganx: You're just jealous cause you don't have a fusion cannon of your own.

Lucius: Notes that I have a Roman Fusion Cannon.

Trebek: Moving right along. In second place, we have Baiganx Windfire, with
negative six thousand dollars.

Baiganx: Don't you worry about me, Alex. I am, after all, the Plotmaster.

Trebek: I have no idea what that means. In the lead with 0 is our returning
*cough* champion, Lucius, who, apparently, has forgotten about our "no pets"
rule on Celebrity Jeopardy this evening.

Lucius: (looks blank)

Lucius's Duck: Quack

Trebek: And finally, in third place, with an astonishing negative nine thousand
dollars, is...I can't quite read your name there, it's written so small.

nightscreem: it's nightscreem

Trebek: Of course it is. You know, if you would just capitalize the N, and spell
the last half-

nightscreem: touch my name and i will have your badge!!!

Lucius's Duck: Quack

nightscreem: that goes for you too, birdie!!!

Trebek: Oh, sweet death, where is thy deliverance...oh, right, we're still on
the air. *cough*. Double Jeopardy. Right. Yes. Let's take a look at the
categori-

nightscreem: i wish malakite were here to help me but he couldn't come on the
show at the last minute

Trebek: He couldn't have helped you anyway. This program is a test of your
knowledge without any assistance. Now, the cate-

nightscreem: then you help me.

Trebek: No.

nightscreem: help me you rules lawyer!!!

Trebek: Shut up. Our categories tonight are (nightscreem continues to rant as he
raises his voice to read the categories) "FAMOUS KARLS", "LIGHTER THAN AIR",
"PLEAS FOR HELP", WILL YOU SHUT UP NIGHTSCREEM...that last wasn't an actual
category, though perhaps it should be. (nightscreem finally falls silent.)
Moving on. "World War II", "The Name Of The TV Show You're On Right Now", "Es
chatology"...which I think we'll replace with "Sharp Things"-

Lucius: (eyes light up)

Lucius's Duck: Quack

Trebek: And finally, Medical Matters. Now, technically, nightscreem, being in
third place as she is, is in control of the board, but frankly I'm trying to get
fired tonight, so I'll just ignore that rule and let Baiganx go first.

Baiganx: Fine. I'll take "Everybody Hates Me And Wants Me To Die" for $600,
Alex.

Trebek: That's not a category. Also, I know how you feel.

Baiganx: Nobody gets me. You're all just jealous cause my game's been running
longer than yours.

nightscreem: maybe i'll go to your game baiganx but only if they kick me off
here

Trebek: I genuinely don't think they'd notice if I just left. I really really
don't. Regardless, I suppose that I shall pick a category. The category is
"World War II" for $400.

Lucius: I remember World War II. It was snowing. I remember snow.

Trebek: Then you should have no trouble, Mr. Lucius. The answer is, "The leader
of Nazi Germany during the Second World War."

nightscreem: kirk!

Trebek: I'm sorry, that's incorrect, and please remember to phrase it in-

nightscreem: no your a freaking kirk!!!

Trebek: the form of a question

nightscreem: help me answer the questions!!!

Trebek: That would defeat the entire purpose of the game

nightscreem: what is the purpose of the game?

Trebek: The game is either a test of your knowledge of trivia, or an elaborate
scheme to torture me for eternity.

nightscreem: IT WAS A RESUSCITATIONARY QUESTION!!!

Trebek: Of course it was. Someone pick a category. Please. I beg you.

Lucius's Duck: Quack

Trebek: I shall choose to interpret that as "The Name Of The TV Show You Are On
Right Now for $600." The answer is, "This is the name of the TV show you are on
right now."

All: (silent) (yes, even the duck)

Trebek: It's written in gigantic letters right in front of you.

All: (still silent)

Trebek: I've said it repeatedly tonight.

All: (guess)

Trebek: Baiganx, I know you know this one. I saw you write an eleven page rant
in your Livejournal about us during the break.

Baiganx: I'm not giving you any more ammunition to insult me or my beloved
Imperia.

Trebek: I've never even *heard* of this Imperia before tonight. Come on, people,
you HAVE to know the name of the TV show you're on right now. Please. Just
someone say "Jeopardy." Anyone. It doesn't have to be a contestant. Someone in
the studio audience just say Jeopardy and I will give you $600!

Lucius' Duck: Quack

Trebek: (breaks down sobbing)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Trebek: (Breath smells suspiciously of liquor.) I'm fine, I'm fine.

nightscreem: then help me you management clone!!!!!

Trebek: "Cries For Help" for $800. And, oh, joy, it's a Daily Double. How much
would you like to wager, nightscreem?

nightscreem: do you know how mad I am?

Trebek: I hesitate to ask.

nightscreem: MAD ENOUGH TO DESTROY THE MULTIVERSE!!!

Trebek: Fine, whatever, I'll just give you the answer so we can get this over
with.

nightscreem: help me with the question

Trebek: The answer is, "A four-word phrase that can be used as a request for
assistance."

nightscreem: WILL!

nightscreem: YOU!

nightscreem: HELP!

nightscreem: ME!

Trebek: Astonishingly enough, that is correct, and even in the form of a
question. You now have control of the board.

nightscreem: the board should control me.

Baiganx: Hey, baby, let's ditch this joint. You can come play in my channel.

nightscreem: fine cause they are killing me here

(Both leave)

Trebek: Normally, we'd have Final Jeopardy at this time, but since two of our
three contestants seem to have forfeited the game...

nightscreem: why is my podium shut down

Trebek: Because you left.

nightscreem: i was gonna play the game

Trebek: You left right in the middle

nightscreem: i am going to talk to you like i am your employee and you have to
do what i say cause i work for you

Trebek: You're the one who-

nightscreem: help me with the game or kick me off

Trebek: Right. Final Jeopardy.

nightscreem: help me with the game or kick me off

Baiganx: I'm back, did anyone miss me?

Trebek: (weeps openly)

Baiganx: Yeah, I thought so.

Trebek: Look, one of you do this. I'm just gonna...go lie down.

nightscreem: help me with the game or kick me off

Baiganx (moving to the front): "Ahem. In lieu of Final Jeopardy, we will have a
competitive recitation of my last dozen Spongebob Squarepants Meets Imperia
stories, followed by a brief essay in which you explain why Imperia is superior
to all those other RP channels."

nightscreem: spongebob sux

Baiganx: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT SPONGEBOB???

Lucius: notes that that's my Roman Fusion Cannon

nightscreem: SPONGEBOB SUCKED THE SOUL OUT OF MY CHARACTER AND ANYWAY WHAT I
SAID WAS A ROTISSERIE QUESTION YOU RULES-LAWYER KIRK!!!

Baiganx: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU BRAZEN HUSSY, I *AM* KIRK, IF HE WERE TWICE AS
HANDSOME AND HAD AN AIRSHIP AND A MAGIC SWORD! YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT
ME, BUT DO NOT DARE TO MOCK THE ALMIGHTY SPONGEBOB IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN!!!

Trebek: Hey, you guys, keep it down out there!

Lucius's Duck: Quack
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 11 comments